New Balance Rules of War

The Rules for Swordfighting and Spellfighting

1. Bring a sword. Preferably, bring at least two swords. Bring all of your friends who have swords.

1.1 We've been to Earth, so bring your friends with grenades and guns. Bring your own grenades and guns.
1.2 Magic swords are better. Artifact class swords are best. There is no such thing as a sword that is "too magical" for a given fight.

2. Anything worth slashing is worth slashing twice. Swords are cheap. Life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

3.1 No, the only thing worse than a miss is a FUMBLE.

4. If your fencing stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

4.1 What the hell is a fencing stance, swing the damn sword, already!

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

5.1 While moving away become invisible. It can only help.

6. If you can choose what to bring to a swordfight, bring a big sword and a Friend with a Fireball.

6.1 If you can choose what to bring to a swordfight, bring a big sword and Valacar (the fireball comes with him).
6.2 Preferably, make sure that it's a big MAGIC sword. And don't forget your running shoes, because Valacar isn't exactly worried about precision on that fireball in the middle of battle.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of plusses, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

7.1 Except you, who will remember who you KILLED, with great relish and much embellishment after the fact.

8. If you are not swinging, you should be communicating, healing, becoming invisible and running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat fighting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the sword or spell.

9.1 Use a spell that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in your bag of spell components."
9.2 ... or a fighter with a better speed factor lops your arms off.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own wand, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.

12.1 Plan A: Kill everyone of the enemy. You can always speak with dead.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

13.1 Plan B: Kill everything we'll raise the innocent later.
13.2 Unless they piss us off.

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of your wand.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

15.1 Even protect your flank from allies, if one of those allies is fond of a Wand of Wonder.

16. Don't drop your guard.

16.1 Drop theirs

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

17.1 Don't forget to look up every now and then.
17.2 And to detect invisible!

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God [or gods] we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

18.1 If the hands are moving then the spell is coming.
18.2 Unless it's a monk, in which case by the time you notice the hands moving, you are already dead.

19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

19.1 Heck, just be aggressive all the time and save the ramp up.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less hit you will get.

20.1 That which does not kill me had better have a Will.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

22.1 But learn to fake friendly, just in case. Sometimes effective use of ego manipulation can buy you time enough to break their necks.

23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a swordfight with a sword, the caliber of which does not start with "Long," "Bastard" or "Great."

24.1 Or end in "of slaying".

Lord Weathermay's Rules to War

1. Adopt an aggressive standoff posture.

2. Send in the New Balance.

3. Drink Ale.

4. Lay claim to the victory.

5. While complaining about the quality of the help that is available these days.